Breaking Up is Easy to Do: 21 Terrible Valentine's Gifts

The saddest Facebook Group I've ever seen is dedicated to Valentine's Gifts and has only two members -- both of whom founded the site. I'd like to think this represents a wholesale rejection of the commercially bogus holiday, but possibly it just reflects poor marketing or a lack of interest on the part of the founders. More likely it's the latter as a 2009 study revealed eight-million Americans send themselves Valentine's Gifts each year. As one of the millions of singletons definitely not looking forward to Valentine's Day this year, I thought it only appropriate to compile a lengthy list of gifts to give your loved one if you'd like to join the ever-expanding crowd of single Americans.

 

1. Bittersweet Bathroom Scale
UncommonGoods -- $95
Also recommended by our good friends at the InventorSpot, this bathroom scale is insulting decorated with bon-bons and replaces the numbers on the dial with such sickening-sweet affirmations as, "simply ravishing" and "I'm a perfect 10." (Excuse me. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.) The product description says it will "lighten the mood," but reminding a woman why she has a fat tire around her waist isn't usually a great way to cheer her up or get her in the mood for some romping.

 

2. Anatomically Correct Chocolate Heart
From PushinDaisies.com, "a mortuary novelty shop." -- $16.95
ShoppingBlog.com says, "Our favorite is the one-pound, anatomically correct, solid milk chocolate heart, which...would make a perfect Valentine's Day gift for that heart surgeon who saved your life after performing a triple bypass on you. Although he'd probably then lecture you about avoiding animal fat and milk chocolate, so as not to need his services in the future."

 

3. Biojewelry From Your Own Bones
Biojewellery Project -- Priceless
Guerrilla-Innovations.com says, "Why go to Tiffany's for a wedding band when you can have one grown from your own bones? Biojewellery of London uses a four-step process to turn bone chips from your jaw into skeletal circlets of your everlasting devotion."

 

4. Gift Certificate for Breast Implants
See the plastic surgeon of your choice -- $4 ,000 to $8,000
The viral YouTube video "5 Worst Valentine's Day Gifts" suggests you're likely to get a slap in the face when she opens this gift certificate -- unless you live in L.A., of course.

 

5. Picasso Contact Lenses
FashionContact.com -- $25/pair
These truly disturbing, three-toned lenses will turn your lover's eyes into a cubist Picasso painting. Not into fine art? Try their Magic Disco Lenses in day-glo colors. The Klyque Lingerie Blog recommends the "Hello Kitty Contact Lenses," but the illustration appears to be Photoshopped. Watch out if she squeals with glee when you present these babies.

 

6. Adult Footie Pajamas
JumpinJammerz -- $44.95
Recommended by HipMomsWhoWork, who says, "No one over the age of seven should ever wear footie pajamas." Guess I'm a major dork because I immediately ordered a pair. Still, I'd be pretty appalled to receive a babyfied PJ on Valentine's Day -- particularly the "drop drawer" style.

 

7. "High Maintenance"
UnderwearSpreadShirt.com -- $18.40
The fabric may be 95-percent cotton and oh-so-breathable, but what woman -- or man, for that matter -- wants to be informed quite this bluntly you think they're "high maintenance.

 

8. The Razorba Back Shaver
From ShopInPrivate.com -- $29.99
You may be totally grossed out by his (or her) fuzz-covered back, but it's less than wise to tell your Honey Bear he needs to loose the back rug. HipMomsWhoWork.com humorously (we hope) asks, "if they make an extended handle so you can shave your butt?"

9. The Flat-D Fart Filter
PrivateWay -- $14.99
Men might find this the perfect gift but women will smack you over the head for suggesting they ever fart. PrivateWay proudly says, "Now you can enjoy farting without hurting others. The comfortable filter pad fits inside your underwear and diffuses the smell of bad gas." Apparently the Flat-D (stands for flatulence deodorizer) was originally designed to defend against chemical warfare.User Comment: "Maybe I can get my co-worker to put one over his mouth?" --BM

 

10. The Cell Phone Flask -- Because You're a Lush
CellPhone Flasks -- $10.95
Because nothing says "I love you but you drink too much" like a four-ounce flask advertised as the perfect accessory for those who never want to be without their vice. The carrying case features a convenient belt clip, so you can keep your liquor close.

 

11. LiceMeister Comb
HeadLice.org -- $9.95/16-count box
What better way to tell your loved one his/her love doesn't really scratch your itch -- it's the microscopic bugs that have you jumping. As a special bonus, the LiceMeister with a Critter Card, helps you identify the difference between lice eggs (nits) and normal hair debris (dandruff).

 

 

12. Bald Guyz Head Wipes
BaldGuyz Consumer Products -- $4.99
Let your baldy know his sweating chrome dome appalls you with these handy head wipes. Disaboom.com says, "Not only are you pointing out your guy is losing his hair, you're accusing him of being unable to perform possibly the most simple hygiene task imaginable. Who needs special head wipes to care for a bald scalp? I mean, if he could wash his hair before he started balding, I'm pretty sure he can wash his bare head now."

13. Love Bandit Bear
From Vermont Teddy Bear  -- $69.95
This sickeningly sweet stuffed bear is dressed in a "dashing" black shirt with an embroidered red heart and carries a bag of heart-shaped candies "to sweeten the deal." In PointlessBanter's insightful post "Crap Women Don't Want for Valentine's Day," the blogger notes, "The last time a grown man gave her a pantless stuffed animal and used the phrase “Love Bandit” she ended up having to testify in open court. And don’t believe the commercial, guys."

14. Personalized Musical Framed Love
PoetryGift.com  -- $54.99
Talk about ewwwww! Because there's nothing quite so egotistical as giving your lover a framed photo of yourself with a tiny music box that tinkles, "Having My Baby" or "Muskrat Love."

 

15. One Acre of Land on the Moon
LunarLand.com, "Earth's oldest, most recognized celestial real estate agency." -- $29.99 to $59.99
You promised her the moon and gave her a lousy lunar acre? Since 1980, over 300 million moon acres have been sold as entirely useless gifts. But wait, there's more! The premium package includes lunar documents listing the actual location of your acre by quadrant. Upgrade to continent-sized parcel of five-million-plus acres for just $13 million and she'll be thrilled you blew all that money on something so utterly inane.User Comment: "I’d much rather have a membership in the Bacon of the Month Club than, say, an acre of moon property. Heck, I’d rather have one slice of bacon than lunar real estate." --Jax

 

16. Stuffed Toy Version of Your Face
IAmAStuffedAnimal.com -- $65
Makes the perfect punching bag if you're planning to dump your partner on Valentine's Day. Just add a few strands of your hair before wrapping.

 

17. Flitter Fairy
Top Notch Gift -- $19.95
An excellent gift for any girl, as long as she's under 10 years of age. Give a fairy to an adult woman and she'll begin to wonder if you truly are just a Metrosexual. According to the sucrose-sweet copy, "Flitter Fairies™ magically flit and fly all around you with enchanted flapping wings! It’s easy to guide your fairy with your magic wand!" Make sure you check out the promotional video on the product page.

 

18. Your Faces on Adam and Eve Artwork
MyDavinci -- $44.45
Imagine your photos seamlessly transformed onto Adam and Eve's faces by professional artists. Ack! Also available in 27 other styles. Fig leaves included. Older couples may enjoy the American Gothic version.

 

19. "I Comes Before U" T-shirt

Better Than Pants -- Reduced to $9 from $17.99 (Can't imagine why)
Let your love know they're a raging egotist with this white cotton shirt. Comes in up to 5XL, for that extra added insult. But the "You'll Do" T-Shirt for yourself and sleep on the couch for a year.

 

20. Electronic Matrimonial Mediation Marriage Counselor
Uncommon Goods -- $125
Why pay for a marriage counselor when you can let a machine solve your disputes. A spin of the wheel offers 10 different humorous, yet helpful, illustrated suggestions. "Makes a great gift for newlyweds." Yeah, right!

 

21. 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt: Measures Proximity to Your Lover
ThinkGeek -- $24.99
I've saved the tackiest for last. One shirt's for you, one for your lover. Whenever you're both "in range," the pixilated hearts on the chest start brightly glowing, "letting you know you're close enough to hug." If you can't figure that out without a shirt, something is drastically wrong with your relationship. Make sure you check out the  lame sales video on the ThinkGeek site.